February 2012
13 posts
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You're already getting something for being a...
I guess I can understand why an Oscar nominee would be heartbroken over losing. When you win an Oscar you…um…well…you win a golden trinket and make the news for a couple of days. Really, it’s no big deal. You see, the Oscars happen every year, so winning isn’t exactly a once in a lifetime chance (just ask Maryl Streep). If the Oscars happened only once per...
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Appealing and unappealing
Appealing:
Appealing:
UNappealing:
“Well, hello there. Do you like nuts? You’ll love mine. Come over here.”
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Every time I lose a follower, an angel gets its...
Wait, WHAT!? SONOFABITCH!
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Maybe I should start going to my job interviews...
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Meow
Buster: Meow.
Me: What?
Buster: Meow.
Me: The house is on fire?
Buster: Meow.
Me: And the basement is flooding?
Buster: Meow.
Me: And there’s a prowler with a bloody ax outside our house?
Buster: Meow.
Me: And the dead is rising? We need to get out of here!
Buster: Meow.
Me: What? What’s that?
Buster: Meow.
Me: Now’s not a good time to scratch...
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Very pregnant
When a woman is in her third trimester, one of the things I sometimes hear is that she’s very pregnant. As opposed to what? Not being very pregnant? She’s either pregnant or she’s not. If you’re trying to emphasize how big her belly has gotten, then just say what month she’s in.
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Irritants
- People who say lady bits. It sounds like the name of a dog food for female puppies.
- People who sway left and right while waiting in line.
- That hard pear slice that comes in every can.
- Women who put two strips of electrical tape over their nipples. It just looks stupid. It looks even stupider on men.
- People who pronounce soda, sody.
- Customers who hold up the line because...
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January 2012
19 posts
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Man, I really am drained of ideas
Farmer Brad is plowing the fields. He always takes a coloring book and a pack of markers to his job. He likes to color as the tractor runs. No matter how hard the cabin shakes, farmer Brad has never colored outside of the lines.
(Source of pic)
ME: Why can't we have an open relationship?
HIM: Because of disease control. And love.
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I was a little depressed these last few days.
I’m feeling good today. No worries. I just haven’t felt like posting anything. Here’s a Cracked picture of what Toad would look like if he was real:
Have a good Sunday, everyone!
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Are you bummed because you didn't win a Golden...
Well, cheer up! Everyone’s a winner with the 2012 Golden Globes Gift Bag!
http://xfinity.comcast.net/blogs/popcast/2012/01/13/sneak-peek-inside-the-2012-golden-globes-gift-bag/
Just because you have it all doesn’t mean you can’t have more!!!
FUFUFUFUFFFJSKDCJDJC;LKDJFHFFUFCJJCCJKCKDDFUFUAADLK;FSDFKASFJAF
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The Pope thinks gay marriage will threaten family...
As if you, Benedict, have any room to talk. You do realize that many of your beliefs also threaten family life and human dignity, don’t you? Here, let me throw some examples at you:
You’re against contraceptives and abortion, and if I know two things that can fuck up family life and human dignity, they’re STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Now, if you’re thinking, well, if they practice...
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The brouhaha over Mitt Romney allegedly saying he... →
I’ve been bashing Mitt Romney for years, and he deserves every bit of it. But he didn’t say anything like what he is accused of saying here. Claiming otherwise is not just taking the quote out of context, it is lying about what he said and meant. And it’s wrong no matter what party is doing it or being victimized by it. It’s childish and idiotic.
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Popped into my head
A man stops by a newsstand and reads “How to look like the girl next door” on a magazine cover.
“No thank you. The girl who lives next door to me is an 87 year old cat lady whose tits are sagged so long that you can tie them together.”
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Message to anyone who wants to start a retro girls...
Don’t bother posting any pictures of Bettie Page, Audrey Hepburn, and especially Marilyn Monroe. We already have a ton of blogs that are filled with these three women.
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December 2011
32 posts
New Year's resolutions
- Lose 20 pounds. (ugh)
- Improve my grammar and expand my vocabulary.
- Tweet at least once every other day. I haven’t been tweeting very much because I haven’t been able to think of anything good/funny/interesting.
- Sharpen my observational skills and my sense of humor.
- Learn my scales and continue my education in music theory.
- Continue working on my book.
Even...
What to expect from me in 2012.
- Instead of the human centipede, I’ll make the feline centipede using kittens. It will be the cutest grossest thing ever.
- I’ll invent a toilet that moans seductively when you piss and makes makes chewing sounds when you shit.
- I’ll Create talking grass so I can hear them scream when I mow.
- If Kim Kardashian has a kid, I’ll capture it and give it to a family...
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Idina Menzel from "Glee" reminds of me of Mark...
I hope Idina doesn’t crush my head for making this comparison.
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When I'm older...
I’m going to download some porn pics onto my cell. That way, if anyone shows me pics of their grown kids, I’ll return the favor by showing them pics of a couple fucking.
“Here’s my son. He’s been acting for three years now. He’s the only guy to star in all six Rammer Hammer movies. I couldn’t be more proud.”
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